Automatic (Suicidal) Thoughts

Here is a challenge! Don’t answer the question, just observe your thoughts. What is 357×19?

Monitor the thoughts that pop into your mind when asked this question. For most people the mind is flooded with thoughts from many different directions as the brain tries to deal with this problem.

Thoughts like:

• “I need pen and paper!”
• “A calculator would be quick.”
• “Pete is really good with maths, let me ask him.”
• “Maybe I could multiply 357×20 or
• 10×2 and minus 375 or was it 357?”

Or a multitude of others! All flowing into our conscious minds, noticeable if we stop for a moment and observe. However, less observable are some unconscious thoughts that influence our ability to answer this question at this moment, like:

• “Maths is hard.”
• “I’m not good at maths.”
• “I am too stressed to deal with this.”
• “I am not allowed to make mistakes.”
• “Everything I do has to be perfect.”
  Or just simply getting stuck in calculating the answer!

These are more general, sweeping statements that form rules of conduct and apply to many different situations. They are also less noticeable and sometimes feel like they apply to everyone—which is not true.

Your rulebook was “written” into your unconscious mind through trial and error by yourself, in order to survive. Sometimes it was copied from parents and older siblings, sometimes drilled into you by authority figures, conditioned through subtle rewards and punishments, or even just a little six-year-old-you coming to the best possible conclusion they were able to, during an experience.

Keeping both the observable and less observable thoughts in mind—a lot has been going through your mind in a very short space of time, and nothing has yet been done to answer the question, right? Rather, I believe most of these thoughts have impeded your ability to answer that straightforward question with a single solution! Keeping your focus away from the actual answer.

Let’s do another little experiment. If you can imagine a game show host tapping his fingers against a screen with R1 000 000 written in shiny letters while waiting for this answer: your stress levels would skyrocket, your adrenaline would spike, your hands would sweat (typical stress response), but you would try to block out all those other thoughts and just focus on activating the parts of your brain that can do this multiplication, your working memory, to hold onto bits of the solution, and simultaneously suppress your emotions. All to be able to get to the goal of answering the question. Can you see that in a different set of circumstances you are able to activate and deactivate certain parts of your mind? And under other circumstances parts of your mind have been automatically activated and deactivated? This is something that very few of us realise and utilise.

Our thoughts do not flow in a single stream, from a single direction, but would more accurately be compared to the many trains on the London Underground moving in and out of multiple stations on a multitude of rails.

We can go down to one of these stations and get on a specific train, which would be ignoring all the other trains. And as we try to solve our maths problem, we are in essence doing just that. We commit to that train of thought! This step is really great when it comes to solving maths problems.

However, let me introduce a different kind of problem. One far removed from a simple maths equation. You are experiencing an episode of severe depression, have no motivation, lack of energy and no emotional capacity or interpersonal tolerance, and have a fight with your partner. You have to find a solution to this problem and different thoughts, both conscious and subconscious, automatically present to attempt to solve it:

• “I don’t want to feel this way!”
• “They don’t love me.”
• “Aag, it’s not so serious, I can let it go.”
• “How did that happen?”
• “I’m not good enough.”
• “I should rather just be dead!”

These thoughts are just as automatic as the “I need a pen and paper” thought. Trains flowing on different rails through different stations. There is no single thought or decision to board a specific train. To put it more directly, you have had an automatic suicidal thought as a solution to a complex, emotional problem.

Now maybe this thought is shocking to you, or maybe the thought commonly enters your mind under these circumstances. Maybe someone you loved has died by suicide, or you have attempted this before, and therefore this feels like a very real option to you—hence it did not get immediately dismissed.

However, it is still only a train on the tracks of the London Underground. It is only when you decide to board this train—by buying a ticket, walking through the gate, waiting on the platform and stepping onto it—that it becomes the only way to solve this problem. Until then, all the other options are still available and accessible.

I believe the skill that needs to be activated and practised here is similar to that of meditation. Instead of letting the thought control you or trying to control it—a wrestling match that takes up a lot of energy and soon turns into a subconscious power struggle—try observing the thought.

As you would look at the map of the London Underground or even stand and watch the train pass by. Detach and observe. Or use the RAIN technique, which suggests that we Recognise, Allow, Investigate and Nurture the thought and the emotions that appear alongside it. It might tell you more about the problem and the other solutions that are available. It might even allow you to access the creative part of your mind and generate new options and eventually form new railway connections between previously unconnected stations!

Whether you are dealing with a simple maths problem, relationship difficulties or suicidal thoughts, taking a pause, followed by a breath and a step back can afford you an opportunity to change your perspective and the out.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out to SADAG on 0800 567 567 (24-hour toll-free line) or consider an appointment with one of our therapists at InPsyght Centre.